It's been a few years since I've shoved that thought in the back of my brain. I had hoped that it wouldn't bother me for a long time. I intended to focus solely on my career. But why, Lord, did you plant this yearning in me again? Modesty aside, but why am I suddenly aware of all of them boys knocking on my door?! I like it but I don't like it. I'm excited yet I remain fearful. I want to but I don't. Contradictions! Too much going on in my head! My thoughts are raging war against each other. Saan ko ilalagay ang sarili ko, Lord. Can you just give me a clear sign?! Ugggghhh!
Last week, someone came up to me and randomly struck a conversation. Then they told me to learn to love again. How the heck do I do that? Hahaha. I don't even know if I have the formula to fall in love again. I've been so focused on other things that I neglected this aspect of my life. For a reallyyyy long time, I was content with the thought of romance as a pain in the a**. Let's just say I had a very intense history with this. Lol. I was burned, baby!
From my personal diary:
"I tried my best to set it aside. I tried to ignore you. I tried to push you away. I'm so sorry! Nilabanan ko naman. Unfortunately, the pull was too strong this time. Haaaaay! I thought I was doing the right thing. So maybe I should just stop analyzing and enjoy this damn ride! Tutal, quotang quota naman na 'ko sa stress!"
Surprisingly, a new person walked in my life and I feel like I want to try again. I feel like I can love again. So, I guess, that's the answer I was asking God for. Thank you Lord for helping me realize there are people who are worth opening my heart to again. This time, though, I know where to place my heart. It's in your hands Lord and not in anyone else's.
BUT.... Still, I have so much contradictions in me. I want to but I don't. I can but I still can't. I'm sure but I'm not. I like him but I don't. AND the biggest of them all is he likes me but he doesn't. BOOOOOM! I'm in love with these contradictions!